Done Deal: Saints Shock NFL World by Signing Retired Spanish Tackle Alejandro Villanueva to 3-Year, $450 Million Contract
NEW ORLEANS, LA — In a move that has left analysts baffled, fans speechless, and salary cap calculators on fire, the New Orleans Saints have announced the blockbuster signing of retired offensive tackle and former Pro Bowler Alejandro Villanueva to a 3-year, $450 million contract. The deal includes a fully guaranteed clause, a yacht, and rumored diplomatic immunity in four countries.
Villanueva, who retired from professional football in 2022, had reportedly been spending his post-NFL life hiking the Andes, meditating in Andalusia, and occasionally appearing in USAA commercials. But according to sources close to the Saints front office, the team saw a “spiritual gap” in their offensive line that only a 6-foot-9, 277-pound Spanish-American former Army Ranger could fill.
“Look,” said Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis at a stunned press conference, “we know he’s been out of the league for a few years, and yes, he’s technically not active, but we just watched some old Steelers highlights on YouTube and got inspired. Besides, we had $450 million lying around and no one else answered our calls.”
The Saints’ decision comes as a surprise to most, given their ongoing salary cap constraints and the fact that Villanueva is 36, bearded, and currently living off the grid. When reached for comment, Villanueva appeared mildly confused.
“I thought it was a prank,” he said via satellite phone from a cabin in the Pyrenees. “They offered me half a billion dollars to play football again. I thought they were trying to sell me cryptocurrency.”
The historic contract makes Villanueva not only the highest-paid offensive lineman in NFL history but also leapfrogs Patrick Mahomes, Joe Burrow, and several countries’ entire GDPs. When asked how the team planned to pay for it, Loomis responded, “We’ve restructured Alvin Kamara’s deal, sold naming rights to Bourbon Street, and liquidated the Louisiana Superdome’s future for the next 30 years. It’s all good.”
Reactions around the league have ranged from disbelief to concern.
“I love Alejandro, but is this real life?” said Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. “He’s a great guy and a hell of a player, but unless he’s spent the last three years training in the Batcave, this makes no sense.”
Meanwhile, fans in New Orleans are split.
“We just signed a retired guy for the price of 37 quarterbacks. But hey—if he pancakes a Falcon, I’m all in,” said lifelong Saints fan LeRoy Boudreaux.
With OTAs approaching, Villanueva has promised to return to the U.S. “once he finishes his tapas,” and to “start stretching.”
In the meantime, NFL insiders are already reporting that the Saints are considering a follow-up move: signing Eli Manning to a 10-year deal “just in case.”
